My First Post--February 4, 2014

I write this while operating under the assumption that no one will read it, but secretly hoping that someone does.  Sort of.  I want it to be read by the right people for the right reasons.  I want people looking for well-written, interesting thoughts to read it.  This is unfortunate.  I'm not a great writer, nor am I a clever thinker.  Nor do I know anything about making interesting web-sites.

I lost my job a few months ago.  I hated it.  I was a lawyer.  I worked in finance.  I wasn't the type of lawyer that would ever see the inside of a courtroom.  I wrote and reviewed shit.  I worked for hours drafting contacts and offering memoranda partnership agreements.  I would have wanted to die, except I was heavily medicated at the time.  The anti-depressants themselves were great, and the Adderall, which I took in the hopes that it would keep me alert until the small hours of the morning, also provided an additional pep.  The Adderall did not help to make me an effective worker, however.  Nothing could.  My job was so profoundly uninteresting and amoral it bordered on nihilism.  Nihilism would have been better, though.  Finance may be asinine, but it's hard to say that something that can so profoundly screw over millions of people is meaningless.
So now I'm unemployed.  I'm no longer on medication, so now I want to die, but probably not as much as I would if I were an unmedicated lawyer.  I suppose it's not accurate to imply that I'm no longer a lawyer.  I still am.  That is, I'm still in good standing with the bars of Illinois and New York.  But I don't currently practice.  As it stands, the only jobs for which I am qualified ("qualified" according to my resume, at least) I would hate.
So I am deeply depressed.  I should be applying for jobs, but my prospects seem grim.  Mostly I just lie around regretting my decisions and the fact that I'm such a huge pussy.  I watch Netflix.  Certainly, if I had the constitution for suicide, I would be long dead.  Or maybe I do and it's just not that bad yet.  But I don't think so.